Button Pushers

Everyone has pet peeves... those things in life that are completely annoying and you can't understand why other people choose to participate in these activities.  Poor life choices people make on a consistent basis.  Or, maybe its the fact that so many people lack basic common sense while trying to function daily in society. Some people can't handle it when other people chew ice.  Nails on a chalkboard.  People driving slow in the fast lane.  Excessive throat-clearing.  Old people that talk to each other during a movie at an extremely high decibel level because they're both deaf and each is hoping that the other heard some vital information to help clue them in to the plot.  To each his own.

A few of my own personal tortures:

1.  It's super annoying when you're on the phone with a call center, and you've already been on hold for 37 minutes and pressed 46 different number options to "make sure we get you to the appropriate department."  So, after 25 minutes of listening to the crap jazz flute music that someone carefully selected to keep you entertained while you're on hold.... FINALLY.... after three entire eternities have passed, your call is directed to living, breathing human.  But, this human is speaking in the thickest foreign accent known to mankind.  He's definitely from Pakistan or India or some other Asian country... and he says his name is "Jeremy" or "Kevin."  Come on!!!!!  Seriously??? Your real name is Bhanbhatt.  Buddy, you're not fooling anyone.  And that, folks, is what really chaps my khakis.

2.  I really do try my best to clean up after my dog.  Sure, there are those moments when it's 3:30 am and I'm lucky that I even remembered to put pants before taking her outside, so cleaning up the fresh poop isn't really going to happen at that point in time.  But seriously, a sure way to ruin your entire day is by stepping in a big huge pile of dog crap... and it's almost always when you're sporting brand new shoes... AND, it's near the closest trash receptacle. Just ugh. 

3.  Lawn gnomes.

They're not cute, ever.  They're super weird and super creepy.  And, people that own these delightful lawn ornaments NEVER have just one... there are always at least 6, located in various places throughout their front yard.... like the gnomes are busy at work pulling weeds or some other worthless, fake activity.

4.  Biggest music-related pet peeve... actual spoken words in the middle of a song.  I'm sorry, but I can't handle it.  The only group that has possibly pulled this off successfully is Boyz II Men... and that's simply because they're Boyz II Men.  Everyone else - no poems, no cheesy raps... just don't.

5.  Kids that make fun of dogs through fences.  I know they're kids, but it really makes me want to punch them in the throat.  I secretly always hope that there's a loose board and that the dog comes flying out at the speed of light and knocks the kids flat on their butts.  Every now and then, I think it's good for a kid to have the "fear of God" knocked into them.

6.  Google maps.  They've failed me over and over and over. Every. Single. Time.  Whoever said "Google maps is the best!" Clearly hasn't been lost in the scariest neighborhoods that Charlotte has to offer.  Sure, Google maps said "Church Street - Exit 3B."  What it SHOULD have said is... "there's a chance that the exit for Church Street may possibly be located at an exit that includes the number 3, but we're not 100% sure on that letter.  Oh, and when you've realized you missed your exit, just be aware that there's no clear point to turn around for approximately 13 miles. Good luck."  The exit is never the correct number.  There is always a detour that's never factored in.  The street names are wrong.  Guess what, Google maps?  You completely suck.  And I kind of hate you.

7.  I'll never understand how people - especially adults - can leave a public restroom looking like it's been through a world war.  Like, how does this even happen?  Pee and turd everywhere but actually in the toilet bowl, pieces of random, wet, soggy toilet paper streamed everywhere, yet somehow there is never actual usable toilet paper in the toilet paper holder.  Typically, the little hook that's supposed to be able to hold your purse is either broken, non-existent, or was created to hold something that weighs roughly the size of a feather.  Honestly, I cringe if I have to use a shady public restroom.  Because I'll have to hover over the toilet seat for approximately 8 minutes to ensure that no portion of my skin EVER makes contact with the grotesque bowl that's bolted to the crusty, stained floor.  I feel like I've literally put in a full 45 minute workout session - including cardio and weights - after a public restroom visit.  My legs are like gelatin and I've typically lost all feeling in the lower extremities of my body.

8.  There are an overwhelming number of people that don't understand the idea of personal space.  These exact same people don't understand the concept of proper dental hygiene, either.  I can pretty much guarantee that if you're going to have a conversation with me, during which your face is close enough to mine that we could actually share bodily fluids (not voluntarily) that your breath will also smell like you had a dog crap sandwich for lunch.  These people are the reason that Listerine and Ice Breakers were invented.

9.  Sporks are a completely unnecessary and extremely useless dining utensil.  You can't eat soup with them.  Cereal?  A waste of time and effort.  The crappy prongs aren't long enough to stab a thin slice of cheese, let alone a hearty steak or piece of chicken.  Worthless.

10.  You know what really sucks?  When you wad up a tissue and put it in the front pocket of your jeans.  As soon as you do that, the curse has officially set it.  You will, without a doubt, forget to empty your pockets before placing the jeans in the washing machine.  At that point, the situation only continues to go downhill at an alarming rate.  I swear, you're going to find fine swatches of tissue for the next 3 years in your underwear, socks, blankets, towels, and cloths.

11.  I often wonder why people think that the workplace is the perfect time to catch up on personal grooming... specifically clipping their nails and plucking nose hairs.  BARF.  I'm pretty sure you live in some form of shelter, whether it happens to be a house, condo, or apartment... typically, all of these structures also have a bathroom.  So, how about doing everyone a favor and taking care of business at home?  Thanks.

12.  Please, please, please... learn the proper time and place to use "your" and "you're."

Perfect.  Ship it out, boys!

13. Whenever I go to Walmart, I do my best to selectively choose the shopping cart that is the least of the evils.  I'm actually starting to think that Walmart has their very own shopping cart manufacturing plant.  Going along with this, they have their own unique inspection guidelines as well.  Like, each cart must have at least one malfunction before it's "up to code" and can be shipped off to tick off customers all over the United States.  I can't be the only person that thinks this is a very probable theory.

14.  Quick public service announcement - please don't give your children stupid names.  Just don't.  I realize that by giving birth you certainly have every right in the world to carefully select the name that your child is going to be stuck with for the remainder of their life on Earth, but I honestly have to wonder if some people chose their children's name while under heavy sedation.  If people would stop naming their kids after cars and inanimate objects, that would be just super.

15.  Last, but certainly not least.... so, I'm at the gym.  I'm a member of Planet Fitness.  I went all out and got the black card membership, too.  I'm pretty fancy like that.  Anyway, if you've ever been inside of a Planet Fitness facility, you've clearly seen that there are approximately 67 elliptical machines.  Even during the "peak" hours, there are always plenty of machines available.  So, I make sure to choose a machine that has at least three (3) other machines separating me and my fellow gym-goers.

Without fail, "that weird guy" that never uses deodorant and sweats like he's in the middle of Death Valley on an August afternoon is always going to choose a machine that is directly next to me.  Always.  Why???????????????

<========= It's always this guy.  Yuck.

Blessings in the Thorns

2 Corinthians 12:7 ESV 

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited."

I'm going to be honest; sometimes I feel like I'm a medical defect.  Why?  Because I'm not able to use my body in the way that God created it to be used and intended for His purpose and glory.  

At this point in your life, if you haven't experience some form of infertility from first-hand experience, chances are you know someone; a friend or family member, that's currently struggling with this issue.

If you've never endured this particularly cruel brand of heartache, let me first say that you should count yourself extremely blessed - beyond measure!  As I write this, I don't want to give anyone the impression that I'm unhappy for others' success in being able to start a family... that is far from the truth!  But, sometimes it's easier to know what to say (and more importantly NOT what to say) if you're ever faced with dealing with a friend, family member, or co-worker that may need a listening ear, a tissue, or a hug, if you're able to gain a better understanding of what goes on inside of a person - mentally, physically, and emotionally - when dealing with this turmoil.

If I'm being completely honest, I first knew something wasn't quite right with me looking back to high school.  *WARNING* - some of you men may not want to read a majority of the rest of this post... but, don't say I didn't give you a heads up!  I promise, I'll try not to be too detailed.  As I was saying, in high school, it was a common occurrence for me to miss at least one day of school each month... and I'm pretty confident that you're smart enough to realize that one of those days typically fell during that very "special" week of the month.  It wasn't that I was "faking" illness or simply wanted a day off school.... while that was usually an added benefit (really, the ONLY benefit.)  I can clearly remember curling up into a ball, in the fetal position, lying on my bed and rocking back and forth in horrendous stabbing, throbbing pain.  I cried and my mom rubbed my back.  The cramping was so intense that it was difficult to stand as the pain shot down my legs all the way to my knees.  As you can imagine, that was only the tip of the iceberg.  Without getting all "gory" on you, lets suffice it to say that I needed to make a trip to the restroom every hour.  Literally.  It was that intense.

Fast forward to college.  I was eventually convinced that starting birth control would be the best solution to my monthly hellish turmoil.  I lost so much blood on a monthly basis that I became weak and anemic.  I was nauseous, had severe hormone-induced migraine headaches, and the cramping and shooting pains had only intensified.  Birth control finally provided SOME relief.  I still had many of the same symptoms to deal with, but the whole monthly processes was lessened by several days.  To put it into perspective - a normal "cycle" is approximately four (4) days.  If I was lucky, mine would end after eight (8) days.  "The pill" decreased the longevity of my suffering to a mere five (5) days a month.

So, in 2003 I got married and we had the discussion as to when we'd like to start a family.  We figured that waiting approximately five (5) years would be a pretty responsible plan, so that's what we stuck with.  Of course, being a female, I pretty much had a paper chain.... you know the chains you made at Christmas time when you were little and you would rip off a link each day as Christmas drew closer and closer?  Basically, I kept EXTREMELY close tabs on the big count down as to when I could FINALLY stop taking those dreaded  pills.  So, when that five-year mark drew near, I decided it would be a great time to find a local OBGYN, set up a an appointment, and discuss my plans.  Little did I know, that visit would set the stage for the next 5 years of my life.

The appointment was going along as planned, but when I described to her the severe issues I had experienced on a monthly basis in the past, the Dr. decided it would be beneficial to perform an internal ultrasound, just to get a better understanding of what was happening "inside."  And, to my surprise, it turned out that I had poly cystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).  Basically, my ovaries were full of tiny cysts... these were causing the traumatic and severe symptoms I was enduring month after month.  So, we set a plan of action in place.  I needed to lose some weight to be at my healthiest once I was finally able to conceive, so I joined Weight Watchers that week.

Weight Watchers was a fantastic experience.... in all, and to date, I've lost approximately 50 pounds and I've kept the majority of that weight off for five years now!  Yeah, I'm pretty darn proud of myself.

So, I assumed that once I had dropped a tremendous amount of weight, incorporated exercise into my regular routine, and starting making healthier life choices, it MUST be the perfect time to get the ball rolling again and try to conceive.  So, we tried.  And we tried.  And I bought about a gazillion ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests.  After approximately 8 months, with no success, I went back to the "good" Dr. to discuss next steps.  Things were not better.  My cycles were lasting up to twelve days at a time.  She felt it was time to do something a little more invasive and see if my tubes were open and functioning properly.  So, I had a series of blood work on specific days of the month to see if I was actually ovulating.  I then checked in to the one-day surgery lab at the local hospital for them to perform an HSG test.  Through this test, it should have been apparent whether or not all tubes were "ready to go."  Unfortunately, I had a severe reaction to the dye and they were only able to conclude that one of my tubes was functioning properly.  But, after nearly passing out and vomiting on myself, when they asked that I reschedule to have the test performed at a later date, I opted out of that one.

Lets bring things up to speed.  Today, November 19, 2013.  I've tried Metformin.  I've tried Clomid.  I've tried every weird "natural" ovulation predictor known to man.  Guess what, folks?  I'm still not pregnant, and my monthly issues are worse than ever.  To say that I'm feeling discouraged and defeated would be a gross understatement.

But, I say all of this because I wanted to bring one thing to light - one of the biggest lessons God has been teaching me over and over again.... we never know what someone else is going through and we should always try our best to be sensitive when using our words and actions.  This doesn't just apply to my case.... think about all of the things that we complain about on a daily basis that other people would practically KILL for!  Seriously!  I complain that the gas station is a little too far and I'm afraid that I may run out of gas.  The person who cannot afford a car, insurance, or the gas to put IN the car would probably punch me in the face if I voiced my complaint to him.  

I guess what I'm trying to drive home is this:  like Paul, God - for reasons unknown to me - decides to allow us to have these "thorns in our flesh."  These are things we can't get rid of and can't do anything about.  But, God did place those thorns in our flesh for a specific purpose - to bring glory and honor to Him.  

Am I okay with having unexplained infertility issues?  Um, heck no.  I would be such a liar, liar pants on fire if I said otherwise.  Here's the real, brutal truth - and keep in mind that I don't necessarily feel these things right now... but through the process, yes, at one point or another I've experienced each and every one of these harsh, unkind feelings.  Some days are good, other days are extremely tough.  Every month that goes by that I'm NOT pregnant, I cry.  Every time I learn of a friend who is pregnant for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time, etc. and I still haven't been able to conceive ONE time, although I truly am rejoicing for that person and the new life God has created, I still feel like I've been stabbed in the heart over and  over with a dull blade.  When I receive an invitation to a baby shower, my first instinct is to throw it away and try to forget that I ever received it.  Why?  Because I'm human, and anytime you can't have something that you want... that seemingly everyone around you has... intense, raw jealousy rears its ugly head.  I would give anything to plan my own baby shower.  I would be thrilled to puke my guts out each morning knowing that I'm growing a miracle inside of me.  I would gleefully waddle down the hall every 25 minutes to empty my bladder because that peanut-sized baby is squeezing every ounce of liquid that my body can hold into my bladder on a consistent basis.   And guys, when "something must be in the water" because "everyone is getting pregnant" - while I do appreciate the humor in this analogy, unfortunately it's not such a helpful reminder at times.  If this were the case, if there really WERE magic water, I would ship in that magic water from an obscure iceberg in Antarctica if it would ensure fertility.  If I had to ingest that water, using a medicine dropper, while standing on my head for exactly 46 minutes and recite the books of the Bible in alphabetical order - backwards, I would.

I'm not telling you this so you'll feel sorry for me.  Please don't do that... it's the last thing I need. Honestly, I'm completely afraid that I'm upsetting people that I truly care about because they may view my post as hurtful and negative.  Really, this post is for me.  It's a daily healing process and "vocalizing" my true, unfiltered feelings is therapeutic.  It's tough to put on a happy face every day because that's what I'm supposed to do.   But really, I just wanted to use my story as an example of how God takes the imperfect things in our lives and uses them, one way or another, to bring glory to Him.  Through this journey, I've learned how to "tune in" to the sensitivities that the Holy Spirit places on my heart.  I feel that I've become a much more compassionate, caring person because I know what it's like to have the wrong thing said to me at the wrong time - even if it wasn't intentional.  And I haven't even mentioned the wonderful friendships I've made - people that I certainly wouldn't have struck up a conversation with for any reason other than our common bond in wanting to become a parent more than anything in the world.  I know that God is currently and will continue to use this "thorn in my flesh" to encourage others and show the world that His plans are definitely greater than those we have set for ourselves.

If I can pray for ANY of you that may be dealing with these issues, I would LOVE to hear from you!  Send me an email, give me a call... we can even go out and grab a cup of coffee and chat.  I know how comforting it is to realize that you really aren't alone, even when it absolutely and completely feels that way most days.

Lots of love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Milk - a bad choice... and other regrets

We've all done things we aren't particularly proud of.  Some of them are incredibly self-destructive.  Others are building blocks for learning bigger lessons in life.  The following don't necessarily fall into these categories.  Regardless, these are some of the dumbest, weirdest things I've participated in during my 32 years on Earth:

1.  I voluntarily attended a cat show in Cincinnati, OH.  Let me start out by saying, though, that the friends I went with were fantastic and we actually had a fun day!  But, putting that aside, there are a number of bad choices encompassed in this single event.  First, I went to Cincinnati.  Let's just say it's not the Mecca of excitement, entertainment, or cleanliness.  Plus, it's in Ohio.  And I haven't even factored in the cat portion of this adventure.  Now, let me be clear... I don't hate cats.  I don't particularly enjoy them on any level, but I don't dislike them and I'd never want anything bad to happen to one.  But, I'd never own one as a pet.  So.... I drove from Canton  to Cedarville, OH.  Then we proceeded to travel INTO Cincinnati, park, and walk to the Expo Center to participate in a cat showing event.  The rest of the day is pretty fuzzy (he he... see what I did there?)

2.  Once upon a dark evening, a long time ago, in a faraway land (Canton, OH), there was a girl.  Guess what her name was?  Heather.  I hope you haven't heard this one before... anyway, this girl drank an immense amount of liquid throughout the course of one day.  She then took a very large sleeping pill.  In the middle of the night, the liquid and the pill decided to combine into the perfect storm and interact in such a manner that basically ruined the rest of the night.  Long story made short.... I woke up (sort-of) and had to pee something equivalent to the force of Niagara Falls.  I stumbled to the bathroom (remember that very large sleeping pill?)  And, guess who didn't check to see if the actual toilet lid was up?  Lid folks, not toilet seat.  Well, that would be me.  So... basically, in case you were wondering, once you sit on TOP of a toilet lid and start peeing... and you're in a sleep-induced incoherent state, there's no way that flow is stopping.  And, what do you end up with boys and girls???  A really large puddle of urine surrounding the toilet on the floor, carpet, etc.  Yep, that was certainly one of the highlights of my adult life. 

3.  The following songs that are currently on my iPod may actually cause some of you to un-friend me on Facebook and casually stare in the opposite direction if you should happen to see me in public:

As Long As You Love Me - Justin Bieber
California Gurls - Katy Perry
Faded - Soul Decision
Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche) - 98 Degrees
Leavin' - Jesse McCartney
London Bridge - Fergie
Science Fiction Double Feature - The Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack
Spanish Stroll - Mink Deville
She Don't Use Jelly - The Flaming Lips
Heaven - Bryan Adams
Puttin' on the Ritz - Taco

I'm currently going through the 12-step program.  I'm past denial, currently into the "admitting I have a problem" stage.  Hello, my name is Heather, and I have made some poor life choices where music is concerned.  Currently seeking a sponsor to check in on me once a week regarding my progress.

4.  I bought a Chevy Cobalt.  I'm pretty sure I don't need to explain this any further.  Moving along...

5.  I once ran out of dishwasher detergent.  Being the genius that I am, I thought, "hey!  I have this Dawn dish soap.  I mean, it's to CLEAN dishes."  So.... yeah.  I opened the rotting, decaying dishwasher and poured a crap load of liquid dish soap in.  The result:  Approximately 20 minutes later the entire kitchen and part of the dining room was totally flooded.  I mean, there was A LOT of water.  And bubbles.  So many bubbles.  The silver lining?  My kitchen floor had never been cleaner. 

6.  Okay, this one is certainly something I'm not proud of... I don't recommend doing this on any level.  But, the outcome (now) was humorous.  So, about 2 years ago I had bronchitis.  And a migraine.  So, to knock out all of the symptoms at once, I took some "liquid gold" cough syrup, a migraine pill, and then my usual daily dose of Zoloft... also... bad, bad choice here - a couple of Unisom.  One would think that in approximately four minutes flat I would have been out cold for the next twelve hours.  But, for some reason, I was still awake.  When I say "awake," I'm using this term very loosely.  Sure, my eyes were open and I was breathing and whatnot... I had some mobility, but my decision making abilities were severely inhibited.  In that state of mind, of course the most logical course of action would be to ask my husband to take  me to Target.  I had some serious shopping to do.  Important things to buy.  I barely remember putting a coat on and getting in the car and I vaguely recall walking around Target.  I was definitely in a haze.  All I know is that the next day, after the medication cocktail had worn off, I checked out my amazing Target purchase.  Needless to say, I was slightly surprised.  I had managed to spend approximately $78 on the following items:  three (3) pair, in various bright colors, of little girls leggings - size extra small; $18 eyeliner - from TARGET, people!  If I'm getting $18 liner, I had better be at Sephora.  Other items making it to the roster were toilet paper, a horrible red shade of lip gloss, 3 greeting cards (I don't think it was any one's birthday), and  some tissue paper.  I sheepishly went back into Target and returned the entire mess of a purchase.   

The stories that I could share are numerous.  But, I'm going to stop for now because I realize I'm beginning to sound like I have a serious love affair with night time cold, cough, and sleep-inducing remedies.  I promise y'all, I'm NOT that bad anymore.  Really.  I don't need an intervention. 

So, feel free to share some of your fondest regret-filled moments with me and help increase my self esteem.

Love ya!!!!!

42 Nuggets of Weirdness

I realize that I'm a pretty open book when it comes to... well... pretty much everything.  But, I'm sure there HAS to be a few things you didn't know about me.  Why 42 you ask?  Well, why not?  Also, because I can't think of any more than 42.   

1.  I like green.  Specifically mint green.

2.  Favorite ice cream flavor of all time:  Butter Pecan

3.  My first pet was a hamster.  Her name was Minnie.  My friend Rachel later confessed to me that she accidentally killed Minnie.  Secretly, I wasn't sad.  Minnie was a vicious biter.

4.  I'm obsessed with nail polish.  Seriously... 

5.  The thing I'm most self-conscious about when it comes to my body is my under arm flab.  Seriously, you could fly to Japan and back on my arm fat if the wind is blowing.  

UGH.  Any ideas to get rid of this ASAP are totally welcome.

6.  We use Poo-pourri at our office at work.  Do you KNOW about this stuff???

Well, if you don't, you need to become best friends with it and set up a dinner date because it is A-Mazing.  Seriously.  It's like you NEVER pooped.  

7.  After meeting my future brother-in-law (the one that isn't Tom), his first impression of me was that 

"I looked like one of those girls that dates black guys."  

Welcome to the family???  

8.  #1 Pet Peeve:  chipped nail polish.  Please refer to #4 above.  

9.  I've seriously only thought of eight things up to this point?  Crap.  I know; this doesn't count.  

So, how about this?  OH - interesting tidbit - I can type 100 wpm with 98% accuracy.  

It's okay to be jealous of my skills.

10.  I don't eat ANY condiments... well, other than barbecue sauce.  

And not just any barbecue sauce... anything that isn't mustard or vinegar based.  

I despise mustard.  And vinegar.  And ketchup, relish, mayo, almost all salad dressings... 

11.  To compensate for my hate of all things condiment, I really, really, really, really love cheese.  

So, so much.  

12.  My dog eats EOS lip balm eggs on a semi-regular basis.  For real, it's like Boxer crack.  

OPEN candy bar sitting on the floor next to an EOS egg... 

EOS wins every single time.

13.  It is not fun to clean up "the next day" after the dog eats an EOS lip balm egg.

14.  My hair has been basically every "normal" color imaginable... and some not-so-ordinary colors as well.  Blond?  check.  Black?  Currently (do NOT refer to #7).  Brown?  Grows that way out of my head naturally.  I think.  Red?  Yep.  Various highlights?  You bet.  Pink?  It's happened. Also orange-ish and green-ish, but not on purpose. 

15.  13 piercings and 3 tattoos.  For now...

16.  I despise feet.  So much.  I don't even like to talk about them.  I'm done with #16.  Yuck.

17.  I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

18.  I only really want ONE child.  That'll do.

19.  I pretty much have a four-way tie for favorite movie(s) of all-time:  

The Sound of Music

(did you hear a re-make is happening???  I know; you haven't...)

French Kiss

While You Were Sleeping

Dumb and Dumber

Judge away.

Because you won't look it up...

20.  Next tattoo:  A bleeding heart on my right shoulder.  Not like a 

bleeding HEART.  The plant.  Look it up; they're neato.

21.  Yes, I AM currently writing TWO books!  

22.  Speaking of books, my favorite book ever is The Magician's Nephew.  Yep, I like it even better than The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

23.  My college nickname is BW.  What does it stand for?  Butt wipe.  True story.  

I have a shirt to prove it.

24.  I'm really bad at doing laundry for a number of reasons.  I don't ever separate colors, I tend to leave wet clothes in the machine for days at a time, and I hate to iron... like, we don't even OWN an iron or ironing board any longer.  Yep.

25.  This one is blatantly obvious if you've known me for three seconds.... I love Hello Kitty.  Don't believe me?  Um, just check my Facebook and Instagram profiles. 

26.  If I ever came "face to face" with a snake I would soil myself... without a doubt.

27.  I have this really annoying nervous habit of biting the inside of my cheeks.  I wish I could stop.  It's a yucky habit.

28.  When I was two-weeks old my mother "accidentally" threw me away.  

I'm completely not joking about any of this.  

Literally, I somehow flung my infant body over her shoulder and into the waste basket - head first.  

Explains A LOT.

29.  I have three nephews and one niece.  They're all awesome.  Probably because I'm their aunt.  

30.  I have never had a cavity.  EVER!  No fillings, no crowns.  

The most traumatic dental-related incident was having my wisdom teeth out in college.  

Go me. 

31.  Birds.  Don't like them.  Babies are sometimes cute, but then they grow up and get all squawky and beaky and territorial.  No thank you.  

Specific bird hate:  MOCKINGBIRDS.  Evil, evil spawns of THE DEVIL.  

I'm pretty sure you would feel the same way if you had been attacked on numerous occasions.  

Emus are really horrible, too.  Ick.  

32.  Worst job ever?  Another tie.  

a) Preschool teacher that had to clean up two-year-old poop and pee ALL DAY LONG 

b) Working at a cheese and fruit market.  

I cannot, to this day, even stomach to look at Feta cheese.  

Barf, barf, barf, barf, barf.

33.  I had this little stuffed pink cat that I use to carry around with me everywhere and sing, 

"Heather's got a little kitty... little kitty... little kitty."  

I stopped carrying it around last week.  KIDDING.

But seriously, my BFF Bobbie and I use to go up to my attic and tie a really long string around this STUFFED cat's neck.  Then, we'd call for my grandpa to come up to the attic.  The moment he opened the door to come up the steps we would drop the cat from the string onto his head and try to knock off his hat.  I have no idea why this was fun.

34.  One time, when I was three, I was getting ready to take a bath.  My aunt and cousins stopped over and my mom left me in the bathroom so she could answer the door.  How did I greet my family?  Well, 

a) I was totally naked, and 

b) I thought it would be a warm welcome to squat in front of the TV, right there in the living room, and pee.  I've always been a really classy chick.

35.  I'm a two o'clock in the afternoon type person.  Mornings:  No.  Nights:  Worse.

36.  I've had a total of three surgeries in my life.  Wisdom teeth and two surgeries to reconstruct my nose.  Not out of vanity, folks (although I did get an amazing nose out of the ordeal)....

I broke it in a car accident when I was 16.  

37.  I played the flute from 4th grade until 9th grade.  Not yazz flute.  Just regular flute.  

38.  My favorite way to eat grapes?  Frozen. 

39.  I know more than any individual human being should know when it comes to Saved By The Bell trivia.  It's true.  Oh, you wanted to know:

The name of Samuel "Screech" Powers' girlfriend?  

Answer:  Violet Bickerstaff... played by Tori Spelling.  

And Zack's crush the summer that they worked at The Malibu Sands Beach Club?  

Answer:  That was Stacey Carosi... played by Leah Remini.  

Zack's band?  Answer:  The Zack Attack.  

What does the "A.C." stand for in A.C. Slater?  Answer:  Albert Clifford.  

You're welcome.

40. I tend to have extremely vivid dreams and I almost always remember them.  

In specific detail.  A recent dream?  

Well, let's just say my parents owned a huge estate with a large barn in the back that had several bedrooms and bathrooms.  AND The Backstreet Boys ==============>

decided to stay at the estate and take a bit of a rest from the tour bus.  I had to wait to use the bathroom because the Boys were showering, so while I waited, I ate a Grouper salad.

I seriously don't know what's wrong with me, guys (Is my Ohio showing??). 

41.  When I was little, my mom always use to recite the following poem to me:

"There was a little girl, who had a little curl,

In the middle of her forehead.

And when she was good, she was very, very good,

But when she was bad, she was horrid."

That should give you a pretty clear picture of me at age 5.

42.   I really love this picture:

                 

Do you want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?

"Guys... do you want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?"  

Well, let me tell you from personal experience.  I've heard A LOT... and I mean A LOT of annoying sounds in my lifetime.  Some I can't mention.  Some are completely wrong (while hilarious), most are disgustingly hysterical bodily functions... because I'm perpetually a 12 year old tween boy mentally.  But, by far, the most annoying sound I've encountered in recent experience occurred between the hours of 12:00 pm and 6:30 am this morning.  Crickets.  Guess what I found out last night?  I freakin' hate crickets.  I would use stronger language... but Jesus wouldn't approve.  They're smarter than we usually give them credit for... and they can move at lightning speed with cat-like reflexes.  

Ponder this:  We live in a two-story condo.  Our master bedroom and bathroom is UPSTAIRS in the back portion of the house.  One would THINK that if an insect, such as a cricket, were to enter a premises, it would enter on the ground floor level. But NO, not our forward-thinking beastly little intruder.

He thought it would be fun to do a number of things to ruin my night:  1)  My husband INSISTED that Mr. Cricket was outside... I knew from that gut instinct inside... calling to me.  I felt like Caesar Milan.  Except for insects. "Heather Hogsed. Cricket Whisperer." I could feel his presence.  So, I searched. And I searched.  And I searched.  I tried earplugs.  I tore cabinet doors open.  I turned on all the lights.  I looked behind the toilets.  I checked under the bed.  Looked in the closet.  Checked under the dressers.  I tried drowning his horrendously loud and obnoxious "singing" with Family Guy reruns.  Sure, it was a fun treat to watch Peter and Meg become the cool kids at the high school dance... but, not necessarily what I had planned for 3:00 am.  3:00 am - for me - is a special time during which I like to pass out and drool in a beautifully unconscious state.  To me, that is sheer bless.  Last night was nothing short of sheer torture. Six and a half hours of ear-bleeding torture.

It's finally 6:30 am.... time to get up, get moving, and get ready for this day that's proving to be extremely long already due to serious lack of sleep.  I go to the other bathroom and begin getting ready.  I hear pounding from the first floor.  Todd triumphantly walks up the steps.... he's KILLED the suspect!  YES!  But, something told me that wasn't the end of the story.  Because... I KNEW... I KNEW  that the true instigator was upstairs, in our master bathroom.  And.... guess who was right????  THIS GIRL!  Points to me.  As Todd was getting in the shower, he found Prime Suspect No. 1 - and he was a big sucker.  Happily Sadly, he drowned and is now being cradled in the arms of Jesus.  But, I can look forward to one thing for certain tonight.... a solid 10 hours of pure, blissful, drool-filled sleep.

I feel slightly smug... I mean, it's not often that I'm 100% right.  But this time - PURE VICTORY for ME.  It's a feeling of magic and wonderment.  I may as well be riding through Far Far Away on the back of a unicorn eating Starburst Jellybeans.  That's how amazing I'm feeling about being right. 

TRULY, the most annoying sound in the world goes to:

Just imagine this at 10,000,000,000 decibels, like, basically right inside your ear drum.  

Laughter is the best medicine. Except for treating diarrhea.

Who hasn't posted anything on her blog in four months???  THIS GIRL.  If there's one thing you can count on from me, it's my highly predictable procrastination.  

One thing I've learned over the years is that you just HAVE to laugh at yourself.  Seriously.  Aside from the fact that I'm one of the funniest people you'll ever meet (*cough, cough*), I tend to put myself in enough situations that would be completely embarrassing to the "normal" individual... but, we've already established that I'm not normal.  Like, not even a little bit.  So, instead of burying my head in the sand when I do something stupid, I figure I may as well share my misfortunes with the entire world.  Why not, right?

With that said, here's something fun that happened last month:

I'm not shy when it comes to bodily functions, and I'm a little too open with information, especially when it comes to my closest friends.... and co-workers.... and complete strangers.... 

So, anyway... Let's backtrack a bit.  I've been trying to eat healthier by incorporating a ton of raw fruits and veggies, as well as the always needed extra dose (or 3) of fiber, into my daily diet.  Suffice it to say, this new "diet" tends to make me a little more gassy than normal.  And I'm not just talking about the occasional fart here and there.  

This product needs better marketing.

Basically, it's a gift from God that I've been given an office at work that I can tightly secure the door shut so that I can feel free to let loose when the need arises.  This way, there are no surprises.  Nothing worse than working in a cube where someone can sneak up behind you at any given time, just after you've let loose a potentially deadly cry from an imprisoned turd and CLEARLY the only person that could have produced that is you.  I keep a variety of scented candles on hand as well... because what doesn't smell better than iced raspberry sangria scented farts?  

Okay... I'm making this story way too long.  So, I'm on Google chat with my BFF and I happen to message her to simply to let her know that on that particular day I had the worst gas imaginable.  Small children would have cried.  It was bad.  This is pretty typical of my daily conversations with friends.  So... I proceed to provide her with this juicy bit of information.  About 10 minutes went by... no reply.  Honestly, I was a little hurt.  I wanted her to share the experience with me.  I proceeded to go and make some copies to get my mind off the situation at hand; when I returned, my heart jumped with excitement as she had finally responded!  I was way too excited about clicking on the orange blinking box... I couldn't wait to provide her with the added details I knew she was dying to hear.  INSTEAD.... I find out that my message was timed so perfectly that it popped up just as the IT guy at work was at her computer fixing an issue.  FAIL.  I'm sure he wanted to know that this chick's super weird friend was gassing it up across town.  

The typical person may have decided it was time to move to a new city and create a brand new identity as a cat hoarder, but not me... I decided to share the whole chat conversation with anyone and everyone that would listen.  I have to say, I turned a potentially detrimental situation into one of sheer joy.  I was proud.  How sick is that?

HAPPY FRIDAY!  Do something fun this weekend and tell me about it, k?

Cat Sweaters

You're either a dog person, or a cat person. I am 157% a dog person.  There have been cats I've liked.  Currently, I can think of one cat that I'm fairly fond of... Steph and Justin - your precious little Gracie.  But, I think I like her so much because she's pretty much a dog in a cat's body. 

Here are just a few reasons why I don't like cats:

Kill it with holy water and fire...

1)  Cats want to be friends on THEIR terms.  It's true.  I was deeply traumatized by a neighbor cat when I was in the 6th grade.  Little "Fluffy" had slunk into our garage.  I hated the thought of putting the garage door down and causing Fluffy to be trapped overnight.  So, I thought I would remove her myself.  Don't get me wrong... I'm no fool.  I played the "let's be friends" card.  I slowly walked up to Satan's Spawn, held my hand out for a friendly sniff, and once she began to purr, I gently scratched her head.  After about 5 minutes, I thought I was "in."  I carefully placed my hand around her torso and began to gently lift her off of the camper.  At that point, things went terribly wrong.  I heard a screech, and there was blood involved.  Claws and fur.  At lease she vacated the garage.  That cat put the fear of God in me.  Seriously. 

2)  Cat urine is a whole other brand of nasty.  Sure, if you have a dog, you've cleaned up a mess or five in your lifetime.  But, luckily, your general carpet cleaning solution does the trick and you'd never know that an unsightly accident had ever occurred.  But, with a cat?  A cat pees on the carpet ONE TIME, you scrub the carpet approximately 83 times after the accident, and yet, somehow, on the day you move out of that house, that spot still emits a curiously strong scent of urine.  POISON?  It's extremely possible.

3) Wet cat food is beyond disgusting.  It definitely looks like something that the cat killed to bring home to you as a gift... but first the cat chewed it, swallowed it, and then regurgitated it right into that crappy metal can.  Also, it smells like sewage and dookie.




4)  Vicious, manipulative, and cunning.  Enough said.  You know who else was vicious, manipulative, and cunning?  Hitler.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Also, they kill chipmunks, and chipmunks are cute! 

5)  There is never just "one" cat.  Seriously... every single episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive... and the people are living in their own filth and trash... with approximately 63 felines.  Not dogs, not hamsters... possibly rats and/or mice... but always cats.  And lots and lots and lots of them.  Eww. 

Umm... I don't even have words for this.

6)  Cat puke.  Now, I do have to admit that my dog does her share of puking.  It's true.  She's a big girl, and a silent puker... a really bad combination.  But, it's not a daily occurrence.  Cats?  I believe that if a cat is awake, it's most likely puking, killing, eating, pooping, or destroying.  Fur balls.  That horrid "coughing" sound that they make, just before said fur ball is hurled onto your freshly vacuumed rug.

And this, my friends, is where we come to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 

7)  Cat-related clothing.  This is actually a "win" for cats in my book.  I mean, how can you say "no" to such stylish clothing and accessory options?  A fashion show may be in order.  

Hope you're having a fantastic week!!!

~ Heather