Button Pushers

Everyone has pet peeves... those things in life that are completely annoying and you can't understand why other people choose to participate in these activities.  Poor life choices people make on a consistent basis.  Or, maybe its the fact that so many people lack basic common sense while trying to function daily in society. Some people can't handle it when other people chew ice.  Nails on a chalkboard.  People driving slow in the fast lane.  Excessive throat-clearing.  Old people that talk to each other during a movie at an extremely high decibel level because they're both deaf and each is hoping that the other heard some vital information to help clue them in to the plot.  To each his own.

A few of my own personal tortures:

1.  It's super annoying when you're on the phone with a call center, and you've already been on hold for 37 minutes and pressed 46 different number options to "make sure we get you to the appropriate department."  So, after 25 minutes of listening to the crap jazz flute music that someone carefully selected to keep you entertained while you're on hold.... FINALLY.... after three entire eternities have passed, your call is directed to living, breathing human.  But, this human is speaking in the thickest foreign accent known to mankind.  He's definitely from Pakistan or India or some other Asian country... and he says his name is "Jeremy" or "Kevin."  Come on!!!!!  Seriously??? Your real name is Bhanbhatt.  Buddy, you're not fooling anyone.  And that, folks, is what really chaps my khakis.

2.  I really do try my best to clean up after my dog.  Sure, there are those moments when it's 3:30 am and I'm lucky that I even remembered to put pants before taking her outside, so cleaning up the fresh poop isn't really going to happen at that point in time.  But seriously, a sure way to ruin your entire day is by stepping in a big huge pile of dog crap... and it's almost always when you're sporting brand new shoes... AND, it's near the closest trash receptacle. Just ugh. 

3.  Lawn gnomes.

They're not cute, ever.  They're super weird and super creepy.  And, people that own these delightful lawn ornaments NEVER have just one... there are always at least 6, located in various places throughout their front yard.... like the gnomes are busy at work pulling weeds or some other worthless, fake activity.

4.  Biggest music-related pet peeve... actual spoken words in the middle of a song.  I'm sorry, but I can't handle it.  The only group that has possibly pulled this off successfully is Boyz II Men... and that's simply because they're Boyz II Men.  Everyone else - no poems, no cheesy raps... just don't.

5.  Kids that make fun of dogs through fences.  I know they're kids, but it really makes me want to punch them in the throat.  I secretly always hope that there's a loose board and that the dog comes flying out at the speed of light and knocks the kids flat on their butts.  Every now and then, I think it's good for a kid to have the "fear of God" knocked into them.

6.  Google maps.  They've failed me over and over and over. Every. Single. Time.  Whoever said "Google maps is the best!" Clearly hasn't been lost in the scariest neighborhoods that Charlotte has to offer.  Sure, Google maps said "Church Street - Exit 3B."  What it SHOULD have said is... "there's a chance that the exit for Church Street may possibly be located at an exit that includes the number 3, but we're not 100% sure on that letter.  Oh, and when you've realized you missed your exit, just be aware that there's no clear point to turn around for approximately 13 miles. Good luck."  The exit is never the correct number.  There is always a detour that's never factored in.  The street names are wrong.  Guess what, Google maps?  You completely suck.  And I kind of hate you.

7.  I'll never understand how people - especially adults - can leave a public restroom looking like it's been through a world war.  Like, how does this even happen?  Pee and turd everywhere but actually in the toilet bowl, pieces of random, wet, soggy toilet paper streamed everywhere, yet somehow there is never actual usable toilet paper in the toilet paper holder.  Typically, the little hook that's supposed to be able to hold your purse is either broken, non-existent, or was created to hold something that weighs roughly the size of a feather.  Honestly, I cringe if I have to use a shady public restroom.  Because I'll have to hover over the toilet seat for approximately 8 minutes to ensure that no portion of my skin EVER makes contact with the grotesque bowl that's bolted to the crusty, stained floor.  I feel like I've literally put in a full 45 minute workout session - including cardio and weights - after a public restroom visit.  My legs are like gelatin and I've typically lost all feeling in the lower extremities of my body.

8.  There are an overwhelming number of people that don't understand the idea of personal space.  These exact same people don't understand the concept of proper dental hygiene, either.  I can pretty much guarantee that if you're going to have a conversation with me, during which your face is close enough to mine that we could actually share bodily fluids (not voluntarily) that your breath will also smell like you had a dog crap sandwich for lunch.  These people are the reason that Listerine and Ice Breakers were invented.

9.  Sporks are a completely unnecessary and extremely useless dining utensil.  You can't eat soup with them.  Cereal?  A waste of time and effort.  The crappy prongs aren't long enough to stab a thin slice of cheese, let alone a hearty steak or piece of chicken.  Worthless.

10.  You know what really sucks?  When you wad up a tissue and put it in the front pocket of your jeans.  As soon as you do that, the curse has officially set it.  You will, without a doubt, forget to empty your pockets before placing the jeans in the washing machine.  At that point, the situation only continues to go downhill at an alarming rate.  I swear, you're going to find fine swatches of tissue for the next 3 years in your underwear, socks, blankets, towels, and cloths.

11.  I often wonder why people think that the workplace is the perfect time to catch up on personal grooming... specifically clipping their nails and plucking nose hairs.  BARF.  I'm pretty sure you live in some form of shelter, whether it happens to be a house, condo, or apartment... typically, all of these structures also have a bathroom.  So, how about doing everyone a favor and taking care of business at home?  Thanks.

12.  Please, please, please... learn the proper time and place to use "your" and "you're."

Perfect.  Ship it out, boys!

13. Whenever I go to Walmart, I do my best to selectively choose the shopping cart that is the least of the evils.  I'm actually starting to think that Walmart has their very own shopping cart manufacturing plant.  Going along with this, they have their own unique inspection guidelines as well.  Like, each cart must have at least one malfunction before it's "up to code" and can be shipped off to tick off customers all over the United States.  I can't be the only person that thinks this is a very probable theory.

14.  Quick public service announcement - please don't give your children stupid names.  Just don't.  I realize that by giving birth you certainly have every right in the world to carefully select the name that your child is going to be stuck with for the remainder of their life on Earth, but I honestly have to wonder if some people chose their children's name while under heavy sedation.  If people would stop naming their kids after cars and inanimate objects, that would be just super.

15.  Last, but certainly not least.... so, I'm at the gym.  I'm a member of Planet Fitness.  I went all out and got the black card membership, too.  I'm pretty fancy like that.  Anyway, if you've ever been inside of a Planet Fitness facility, you've clearly seen that there are approximately 67 elliptical machines.  Even during the "peak" hours, there are always plenty of machines available.  So, I make sure to choose a machine that has at least three (3) other machines separating me and my fellow gym-goers.

Without fail, "that weird guy" that never uses deodorant and sweats like he's in the middle of Death Valley on an August afternoon is always going to choose a machine that is directly next to me.  Always.  Why???????????????

<========= It's always this guy.  Yuck.