Blessings in the Thorns

2 Corinthians 12:7 ESV 

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited."

I'm going to be honest; sometimes I feel like I'm a medical defect.  Why?  Because I'm not able to use my body in the way that God created it to be used and intended for His purpose and glory.  

At this point in your life, if you haven't experience some form of infertility from first-hand experience, chances are you know someone; a friend or family member, that's currently struggling with this issue.

If you've never endured this particularly cruel brand of heartache, let me first say that you should count yourself extremely blessed - beyond measure!  As I write this, I don't want to give anyone the impression that I'm unhappy for others' success in being able to start a family... that is far from the truth!  But, sometimes it's easier to know what to say (and more importantly NOT what to say) if you're ever faced with dealing with a friend, family member, or co-worker that may need a listening ear, a tissue, or a hug, if you're able to gain a better understanding of what goes on inside of a person - mentally, physically, and emotionally - when dealing with this turmoil.

If I'm being completely honest, I first knew something wasn't quite right with me looking back to high school.  *WARNING* - some of you men may not want to read a majority of the rest of this post... but, don't say I didn't give you a heads up!  I promise, I'll try not to be too detailed.  As I was saying, in high school, it was a common occurrence for me to miss at least one day of school each month... and I'm pretty confident that you're smart enough to realize that one of those days typically fell during that very "special" week of the month.  It wasn't that I was "faking" illness or simply wanted a day off school.... while that was usually an added benefit (really, the ONLY benefit.)  I can clearly remember curling up into a ball, in the fetal position, lying on my bed and rocking back and forth in horrendous stabbing, throbbing pain.  I cried and my mom rubbed my back.  The cramping was so intense that it was difficult to stand as the pain shot down my legs all the way to my knees.  As you can imagine, that was only the tip of the iceberg.  Without getting all "gory" on you, lets suffice it to say that I needed to make a trip to the restroom every hour.  Literally.  It was that intense.

Fast forward to college.  I was eventually convinced that starting birth control would be the best solution to my monthly hellish turmoil.  I lost so much blood on a monthly basis that I became weak and anemic.  I was nauseous, had severe hormone-induced migraine headaches, and the cramping and shooting pains had only intensified.  Birth control finally provided SOME relief.  I still had many of the same symptoms to deal with, but the whole monthly processes was lessened by several days.  To put it into perspective - a normal "cycle" is approximately four (4) days.  If I was lucky, mine would end after eight (8) days.  "The pill" decreased the longevity of my suffering to a mere five (5) days a month.

So, in 2003 I got married and we had the discussion as to when we'd like to start a family.  We figured that waiting approximately five (5) years would be a pretty responsible plan, so that's what we stuck with.  Of course, being a female, I pretty much had a paper chain.... you know the chains you made at Christmas time when you were little and you would rip off a link each day as Christmas drew closer and closer?  Basically, I kept EXTREMELY close tabs on the big count down as to when I could FINALLY stop taking those dreaded  pills.  So, when that five-year mark drew near, I decided it would be a great time to find a local OBGYN, set up a an appointment, and discuss my plans.  Little did I know, that visit would set the stage for the next 5 years of my life.

The appointment was going along as planned, but when I described to her the severe issues I had experienced on a monthly basis in the past, the Dr. decided it would be beneficial to perform an internal ultrasound, just to get a better understanding of what was happening "inside."  And, to my surprise, it turned out that I had poly cystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).  Basically, my ovaries were full of tiny cysts... these were causing the traumatic and severe symptoms I was enduring month after month.  So, we set a plan of action in place.  I needed to lose some weight to be at my healthiest once I was finally able to conceive, so I joined Weight Watchers that week.

Weight Watchers was a fantastic experience.... in all, and to date, I've lost approximately 50 pounds and I've kept the majority of that weight off for five years now!  Yeah, I'm pretty darn proud of myself.

So, I assumed that once I had dropped a tremendous amount of weight, incorporated exercise into my regular routine, and starting making healthier life choices, it MUST be the perfect time to get the ball rolling again and try to conceive.  So, we tried.  And we tried.  And I bought about a gazillion ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests.  After approximately 8 months, with no success, I went back to the "good" Dr. to discuss next steps.  Things were not better.  My cycles were lasting up to twelve days at a time.  She felt it was time to do something a little more invasive and see if my tubes were open and functioning properly.  So, I had a series of blood work on specific days of the month to see if I was actually ovulating.  I then checked in to the one-day surgery lab at the local hospital for them to perform an HSG test.  Through this test, it should have been apparent whether or not all tubes were "ready to go."  Unfortunately, I had a severe reaction to the dye and they were only able to conclude that one of my tubes was functioning properly.  But, after nearly passing out and vomiting on myself, when they asked that I reschedule to have the test performed at a later date, I opted out of that one.

Lets bring things up to speed.  Today, November 19, 2013.  I've tried Metformin.  I've tried Clomid.  I've tried every weird "natural" ovulation predictor known to man.  Guess what, folks?  I'm still not pregnant, and my monthly issues are worse than ever.  To say that I'm feeling discouraged and defeated would be a gross understatement.

But, I say all of this because I wanted to bring one thing to light - one of the biggest lessons God has been teaching me over and over again.... we never know what someone else is going through and we should always try our best to be sensitive when using our words and actions.  This doesn't just apply to my case.... think about all of the things that we complain about on a daily basis that other people would practically KILL for!  Seriously!  I complain that the gas station is a little too far and I'm afraid that I may run out of gas.  The person who cannot afford a car, insurance, or the gas to put IN the car would probably punch me in the face if I voiced my complaint to him.  

I guess what I'm trying to drive home is this:  like Paul, God - for reasons unknown to me - decides to allow us to have these "thorns in our flesh."  These are things we can't get rid of and can't do anything about.  But, God did place those thorns in our flesh for a specific purpose - to bring glory and honor to Him.  

Am I okay with having unexplained infertility issues?  Um, heck no.  I would be such a liar, liar pants on fire if I said otherwise.  Here's the real, brutal truth - and keep in mind that I don't necessarily feel these things right now... but through the process, yes, at one point or another I've experienced each and every one of these harsh, unkind feelings.  Some days are good, other days are extremely tough.  Every month that goes by that I'm NOT pregnant, I cry.  Every time I learn of a friend who is pregnant for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time, etc. and I still haven't been able to conceive ONE time, although I truly am rejoicing for that person and the new life God has created, I still feel like I've been stabbed in the heart over and  over with a dull blade.  When I receive an invitation to a baby shower, my first instinct is to throw it away and try to forget that I ever received it.  Why?  Because I'm human, and anytime you can't have something that you want... that seemingly everyone around you has... intense, raw jealousy rears its ugly head.  I would give anything to plan my own baby shower.  I would be thrilled to puke my guts out each morning knowing that I'm growing a miracle inside of me.  I would gleefully waddle down the hall every 25 minutes to empty my bladder because that peanut-sized baby is squeezing every ounce of liquid that my body can hold into my bladder on a consistent basis.   And guys, when "something must be in the water" because "everyone is getting pregnant" - while I do appreciate the humor in this analogy, unfortunately it's not such a helpful reminder at times.  If this were the case, if there really WERE magic water, I would ship in that magic water from an obscure iceberg in Antarctica if it would ensure fertility.  If I had to ingest that water, using a medicine dropper, while standing on my head for exactly 46 minutes and recite the books of the Bible in alphabetical order - backwards, I would.

I'm not telling you this so you'll feel sorry for me.  Please don't do that... it's the last thing I need. Honestly, I'm completely afraid that I'm upsetting people that I truly care about because they may view my post as hurtful and negative.  Really, this post is for me.  It's a daily healing process and "vocalizing" my true, unfiltered feelings is therapeutic.  It's tough to put on a happy face every day because that's what I'm supposed to do.   But really, I just wanted to use my story as an example of how God takes the imperfect things in our lives and uses them, one way or another, to bring glory to Him.  Through this journey, I've learned how to "tune in" to the sensitivities that the Holy Spirit places on my heart.  I feel that I've become a much more compassionate, caring person because I know what it's like to have the wrong thing said to me at the wrong time - even if it wasn't intentional.  And I haven't even mentioned the wonderful friendships I've made - people that I certainly wouldn't have struck up a conversation with for any reason other than our common bond in wanting to become a parent more than anything in the world.  I know that God is currently and will continue to use this "thorn in my flesh" to encourage others and show the world that His plans are definitely greater than those we have set for ourselves.

If I can pray for ANY of you that may be dealing with these issues, I would LOVE to hear from you!  Send me an email, give me a call... we can even go out and grab a cup of coffee and chat.  I know how comforting it is to realize that you really aren't alone, even when it absolutely and completely feels that way most days.

Lots of love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!