Beautifully Weird: Cat Sweaters

You're either a dog person, or a cat person. I am 157% a dog person. There have been cats I've liked. Currently, I can think of one cat that I'm fairly fond of... Steph and Justin - your precious little Gracie. But, I think I like her so much because she's pretty much a dog in a cat's body.

Here are just a few reasons why I don't like cats:


Kill it with holy water and fire...

1) Cats want to be friends on THEIR terms. It's true. I was deeply traumatized by a neighbor cat when I was in the 6th grade. Little "Fluffy" had slunk into our garage. I hated the thought of putting the garage door down and causing Fluffy to be trapped overnight. So, I thought I would remove her myself. Don't get me wrong... I'm no fool. I played the "let's be friends" card. I slowly walked up to Satan's Spawn, held my hand out for a friendly sniff, and once she began to purr, I gently scratched her head. After about 5 minutes, I thought I was "in." I carefully placed my hand around her torso and began to gently lift her off of the camper. At that point, things went terribly wrong. I heard a screech, and there was blood involved. Claws and fur. At lease she vacated the garage. That cat put the fear of God in me. Seriously.

2) Cat urine is a whole other brand of nasty. Sure, if you have a dog, you've cleaned up a mess or five in your lifetime. But, luckily, your general carpet cleaning solution does the trick and you'd never know that an unsightly accident had ever occurred. But, with a cat? A cat pees on the carpet ONE TIME, you scrub the carpet approximately 83 times after the accident, and yet, somehow, on the day you move out of that house, that spot still emits a curiously strong scent of urine. POISON? It's extremely possible.

3) Wet cat food is beyond disgusting. It definitely looks like something that the cat killed to bring home to you as a gift... but first the cat chewed it, swallowed it, and then regurgitated it right into that crappy metal can. Also, it smells like sewage and dookie.

4) Vicious, manipulative, and cunning. Enough said. You know who else was vicious, manipulative, and cunning? Hitler. Coincidence? I think not. Also, they kill chipmunks, and chipmunks are cute!

5) There is never just "one" cat. Seriously... every single episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive... and the people are living in their own filth and trash... with approximately 63 felines. Not dogs, not hamsters... possibly rats and/or mice... but always cats. And lots and lots and lots of them. Eww.


Umm... I don't even have words for this.

6) Cat puke. Now, I do have to admit that my dog does her share of puking. It's true. She's a big girl, and a silent puker... a really bad combination. But, it's not a daily occurrence. Cats? I believe that if a cat is awake, it's most likely puking, killing, eating, pooping, or destroying. Fur balls. That horrid "coughing" sound that they make, just before said fur ball is hurled onto your freshly vacuumed rug.

And this, my friends, is where we come to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

7) Cat-related clothing. This is actually a "win" for cats in my book. I mean, how can you say "no" to such stylish clothing and accessory options? A fashion show may be in order.