Button Pushers

Everyone has pet peeves... those things in life that are completely annoying and you can't understand why other people choose to participate in these activities.  Poor life choices people make on a consistent basis.  Or, maybe its the fact that so many people lack basic common sense while trying to function daily in society. Some people can't handle it when other people chew ice.  Nails on a chalkboard.  People driving slow in the fast lane.  Excessive throat-clearing.  Old people that talk to each other during a movie at an extremely high decibel level because they're both deaf and each is hoping that the other heard some vital information to help clue them in to the plot.  To each his own.

A few of my own personal tortures:

1.  It's super annoying when you're on the phone with a call center, and you've already been on hold for 37 minutes and pressed 46 different number options to "make sure we get you to the appropriate department."  So, after 25 minutes of listening to the crap jazz flute music that someone carefully selected to keep you entertained while you're on hold.... FINALLY.... after three entire eternities have passed, your call is directed to living, breathing human.  But, this human is speaking in the thickest foreign accent known to mankind.  He's definitely from Pakistan or India or some other Asian country... and he says his name is "Jeremy" or "Kevin."  Come on!!!!!  Seriously??? Your real name is Bhanbhatt.  Buddy, you're not fooling anyone.  And that, folks, is what really chaps my khakis.

2.  I really do try my best to clean up after my dog.  Sure, there are those moments when it's 3:30 am and I'm lucky that I even remembered to put pants before taking her outside, so cleaning up the fresh poop isn't really going to happen at that point in time.  But seriously, a sure way to ruin your entire day is by stepping in a big huge pile of dog crap... and it's almost always when you're sporting brand new shoes... AND, it's near the closest trash receptacle. Just ugh. 

3.  Lawn gnomes.

They're not cute, ever.  They're super weird and super creepy.  And, people that own these delightful lawn ornaments NEVER have just one... there are always at least 6, located in various places throughout their front yard.... like the gnomes are busy at work pulling weeds or some other worthless, fake activity.

4.  Biggest music-related pet peeve... actual spoken words in the middle of a song.  I'm sorry, but I can't handle it.  The only group that has possibly pulled this off successfully is Boyz II Men... and that's simply because they're Boyz II Men.  Everyone else - no poems, no cheesy raps... just don't.

5.  Kids that make fun of dogs through fences.  I know they're kids, but it really makes me want to punch them in the throat.  I secretly always hope that there's a loose board and that the dog comes flying out at the speed of light and knocks the kids flat on their butts.  Every now and then, I think it's good for a kid to have the "fear of God" knocked into them.

6.  Google maps.  They've failed me over and over and over. Every. Single. Time.  Whoever said "Google maps is the best!" Clearly hasn't been lost in the scariest neighborhoods that Charlotte has to offer.  Sure, Google maps said "Church Street - Exit 3B."  What it SHOULD have said is... "there's a chance that the exit for Church Street may possibly be located at an exit that includes the number 3, but we're not 100% sure on that letter.  Oh, and when you've realized you missed your exit, just be aware that there's no clear point to turn around for approximately 13 miles. Good luck."  The exit is never the correct number.  There is always a detour that's never factored in.  The street names are wrong.  Guess what, Google maps?  You completely suck.  And I kind of hate you.

7.  I'll never understand how people - especially adults - can leave a public restroom looking like it's been through a world war.  Like, how does this even happen?  Pee and turd everywhere but actually in the toilet bowl, pieces of random, wet, soggy toilet paper streamed everywhere, yet somehow there is never actual usable toilet paper in the toilet paper holder.  Typically, the little hook that's supposed to be able to hold your purse is either broken, non-existent, or was created to hold something that weighs roughly the size of a feather.  Honestly, I cringe if I have to use a shady public restroom.  Because I'll have to hover over the toilet seat for approximately 8 minutes to ensure that no portion of my skin EVER makes contact with the grotesque bowl that's bolted to the crusty, stained floor.  I feel like I've literally put in a full 45 minute workout session - including cardio and weights - after a public restroom visit.  My legs are like gelatin and I've typically lost all feeling in the lower extremities of my body.

8.  There are an overwhelming number of people that don't understand the idea of personal space.  These exact same people don't understand the concept of proper dental hygiene, either.  I can pretty much guarantee that if you're going to have a conversation with me, during which your face is close enough to mine that we could actually share bodily fluids (not voluntarily) that your breath will also smell like you had a dog crap sandwich for lunch.  These people are the reason that Listerine and Ice Breakers were invented.

9.  Sporks are a completely unnecessary and extremely useless dining utensil.  You can't eat soup with them.  Cereal?  A waste of time and effort.  The crappy prongs aren't long enough to stab a thin slice of cheese, let alone a hearty steak or piece of chicken.  Worthless.

10.  You know what really sucks?  When you wad up a tissue and put it in the front pocket of your jeans.  As soon as you do that, the curse has officially set it.  You will, without a doubt, forget to empty your pockets before placing the jeans in the washing machine.  At that point, the situation only continues to go downhill at an alarming rate.  I swear, you're going to find fine swatches of tissue for the next 3 years in your underwear, socks, blankets, towels, and cloths.

11.  I often wonder why people think that the workplace is the perfect time to catch up on personal grooming... specifically clipping their nails and plucking nose hairs.  BARF.  I'm pretty sure you live in some form of shelter, whether it happens to be a house, condo, or apartment... typically, all of these structures also have a bathroom.  So, how about doing everyone a favor and taking care of business at home?  Thanks.

12.  Please, please, please... learn the proper time and place to use "your" and "you're."

Perfect.  Ship it out, boys!

13. Whenever I go to Walmart, I do my best to selectively choose the shopping cart that is the least of the evils.  I'm actually starting to think that Walmart has their very own shopping cart manufacturing plant.  Going along with this, they have their own unique inspection guidelines as well.  Like, each cart must have at least one malfunction before it's "up to code" and can be shipped off to tick off customers all over the United States.  I can't be the only person that thinks this is a very probable theory.

14.  Quick public service announcement - please don't give your children stupid names.  Just don't.  I realize that by giving birth you certainly have every right in the world to carefully select the name that your child is going to be stuck with for the remainder of their life on Earth, but I honestly have to wonder if some people chose their children's name while under heavy sedation.  If people would stop naming their kids after cars and inanimate objects, that would be just super.

15.  Last, but certainly not least.... so, I'm at the gym.  I'm a member of Planet Fitness.  I went all out and got the black card membership, too.  I'm pretty fancy like that.  Anyway, if you've ever been inside of a Planet Fitness facility, you've clearly seen that there are approximately 67 elliptical machines.  Even during the "peak" hours, there are always plenty of machines available.  So, I make sure to choose a machine that has at least three (3) other machines separating me and my fellow gym-goers.

Without fail, "that weird guy" that never uses deodorant and sweats like he's in the middle of Death Valley on an August afternoon is always going to choose a machine that is directly next to me.  Always.  Why???????????????

<========= It's always this guy.  Yuck.

Blessings in the Thorns

2 Corinthians 12:7 ESV 

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited."

I'm going to be honest; sometimes I feel like I'm a medical defect.  Why?  Because I'm not able to use my body in the way that God created it to be used and intended for His purpose and glory.  

At this point in your life, if you haven't experience some form of infertility from first-hand experience, chances are you know someone; a friend or family member, that's currently struggling with this issue.

If you've never endured this particularly cruel brand of heartache, let me first say that you should count yourself extremely blessed - beyond measure!  As I write this, I don't want to give anyone the impression that I'm unhappy for others' success in being able to start a family... that is far from the truth!  But, sometimes it's easier to know what to say (and more importantly NOT what to say) if you're ever faced with dealing with a friend, family member, or co-worker that may need a listening ear, a tissue, or a hug, if you're able to gain a better understanding of what goes on inside of a person - mentally, physically, and emotionally - when dealing with this turmoil.

If I'm being completely honest, I first knew something wasn't quite right with me looking back to high school.  *WARNING* - some of you men may not want to read a majority of the rest of this post... but, don't say I didn't give you a heads up!  I promise, I'll try not to be too detailed.  As I was saying, in high school, it was a common occurrence for me to miss at least one day of school each month... and I'm pretty confident that you're smart enough to realize that one of those days typically fell during that very "special" week of the month.  It wasn't that I was "faking" illness or simply wanted a day off school.... while that was usually an added benefit (really, the ONLY benefit.)  I can clearly remember curling up into a ball, in the fetal position, lying on my bed and rocking back and forth in horrendous stabbing, throbbing pain.  I cried and my mom rubbed my back.  The cramping was so intense that it was difficult to stand as the pain shot down my legs all the way to my knees.  As you can imagine, that was only the tip of the iceberg.  Without getting all "gory" on you, lets suffice it to say that I needed to make a trip to the restroom every hour.  Literally.  It was that intense.

Fast forward to college.  I was eventually convinced that starting birth control would be the best solution to my monthly hellish turmoil.  I lost so much blood on a monthly basis that I became weak and anemic.  I was nauseous, had severe hormone-induced migraine headaches, and the cramping and shooting pains had only intensified.  Birth control finally provided SOME relief.  I still had many of the same symptoms to deal with, but the whole monthly processes was lessened by several days.  To put it into perspective - a normal "cycle" is approximately four (4) days.  If I was lucky, mine would end after eight (8) days.  "The pill" decreased the longevity of my suffering to a mere five (5) days a month.

So, in 2003 I got married and we had the discussion as to when we'd like to start a family.  We figured that waiting approximately five (5) years would be a pretty responsible plan, so that's what we stuck with.  Of course, being a female, I pretty much had a paper chain.... you know the chains you made at Christmas time when you were little and you would rip off a link each day as Christmas drew closer and closer?  Basically, I kept EXTREMELY close tabs on the big count down as to when I could FINALLY stop taking those dreaded  pills.  So, when that five-year mark drew near, I decided it would be a great time to find a local OBGYN, set up a an appointment, and discuss my plans.  Little did I know, that visit would set the stage for the next 5 years of my life.

The appointment was going along as planned, but when I described to her the severe issues I had experienced on a monthly basis in the past, the Dr. decided it would be beneficial to perform an internal ultrasound, just to get a better understanding of what was happening "inside."  And, to my surprise, it turned out that I had poly cystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).  Basically, my ovaries were full of tiny cysts... these were causing the traumatic and severe symptoms I was enduring month after month.  So, we set a plan of action in place.  I needed to lose some weight to be at my healthiest once I was finally able to conceive, so I joined Weight Watchers that week.

Weight Watchers was a fantastic experience.... in all, and to date, I've lost approximately 50 pounds and I've kept the majority of that weight off for five years now!  Yeah, I'm pretty darn proud of myself.

So, I assumed that once I had dropped a tremendous amount of weight, incorporated exercise into my regular routine, and starting making healthier life choices, it MUST be the perfect time to get the ball rolling again and try to conceive.  So, we tried.  And we tried.  And I bought about a gazillion ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests.  After approximately 8 months, with no success, I went back to the "good" Dr. to discuss next steps.  Things were not better.  My cycles were lasting up to twelve days at a time.  She felt it was time to do something a little more invasive and see if my tubes were open and functioning properly.  So, I had a series of blood work on specific days of the month to see if I was actually ovulating.  I then checked in to the one-day surgery lab at the local hospital for them to perform an HSG test.  Through this test, it should have been apparent whether or not all tubes were "ready to go."  Unfortunately, I had a severe reaction to the dye and they were only able to conclude that one of my tubes was functioning properly.  But, after nearly passing out and vomiting on myself, when they asked that I reschedule to have the test performed at a later date, I opted out of that one.

Lets bring things up to speed.  Today, November 19, 2013.  I've tried Metformin.  I've tried Clomid.  I've tried every weird "natural" ovulation predictor known to man.  Guess what, folks?  I'm still not pregnant, and my monthly issues are worse than ever.  To say that I'm feeling discouraged and defeated would be a gross understatement.

But, I say all of this because I wanted to bring one thing to light - one of the biggest lessons God has been teaching me over and over again.... we never know what someone else is going through and we should always try our best to be sensitive when using our words and actions.  This doesn't just apply to my case.... think about all of the things that we complain about on a daily basis that other people would practically KILL for!  Seriously!  I complain that the gas station is a little too far and I'm afraid that I may run out of gas.  The person who cannot afford a car, insurance, or the gas to put IN the car would probably punch me in the face if I voiced my complaint to him.  

I guess what I'm trying to drive home is this:  like Paul, God - for reasons unknown to me - decides to allow us to have these "thorns in our flesh."  These are things we can't get rid of and can't do anything about.  But, God did place those thorns in our flesh for a specific purpose - to bring glory and honor to Him.  

Am I okay with having unexplained infertility issues?  Um, heck no.  I would be such a liar, liar pants on fire if I said otherwise.  Here's the real, brutal truth - and keep in mind that I don't necessarily feel these things right now... but through the process, yes, at one point or another I've experienced each and every one of these harsh, unkind feelings.  Some days are good, other days are extremely tough.  Every month that goes by that I'm NOT pregnant, I cry.  Every time I learn of a friend who is pregnant for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time, etc. and I still haven't been able to conceive ONE time, although I truly am rejoicing for that person and the new life God has created, I still feel like I've been stabbed in the heart over and  over with a dull blade.  When I receive an invitation to a baby shower, my first instinct is to throw it away and try to forget that I ever received it.  Why?  Because I'm human, and anytime you can't have something that you want... that seemingly everyone around you has... intense, raw jealousy rears its ugly head.  I would give anything to plan my own baby shower.  I would be thrilled to puke my guts out each morning knowing that I'm growing a miracle inside of me.  I would gleefully waddle down the hall every 25 minutes to empty my bladder because that peanut-sized baby is squeezing every ounce of liquid that my body can hold into my bladder on a consistent basis.   And guys, when "something must be in the water" because "everyone is getting pregnant" - while I do appreciate the humor in this analogy, unfortunately it's not such a helpful reminder at times.  If this were the case, if there really WERE magic water, I would ship in that magic water from an obscure iceberg in Antarctica if it would ensure fertility.  If I had to ingest that water, using a medicine dropper, while standing on my head for exactly 46 minutes and recite the books of the Bible in alphabetical order - backwards, I would.

I'm not telling you this so you'll feel sorry for me.  Please don't do that... it's the last thing I need. Honestly, I'm completely afraid that I'm upsetting people that I truly care about because they may view my post as hurtful and negative.  Really, this post is for me.  It's a daily healing process and "vocalizing" my true, unfiltered feelings is therapeutic.  It's tough to put on a happy face every day because that's what I'm supposed to do.   But really, I just wanted to use my story as an example of how God takes the imperfect things in our lives and uses them, one way or another, to bring glory to Him.  Through this journey, I've learned how to "tune in" to the sensitivities that the Holy Spirit places on my heart.  I feel that I've become a much more compassionate, caring person because I know what it's like to have the wrong thing said to me at the wrong time - even if it wasn't intentional.  And I haven't even mentioned the wonderful friendships I've made - people that I certainly wouldn't have struck up a conversation with for any reason other than our common bond in wanting to become a parent more than anything in the world.  I know that God is currently and will continue to use this "thorn in my flesh" to encourage others and show the world that His plans are definitely greater than those we have set for ourselves.

If I can pray for ANY of you that may be dealing with these issues, I would LOVE to hear from you!  Send me an email, give me a call... we can even go out and grab a cup of coffee and chat.  I know how comforting it is to realize that you really aren't alone, even when it absolutely and completely feels that way most days.

Lots of love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Milk - a bad choice... and other regrets

We've all done things we aren't particularly proud of.  Some of them are incredibly self-destructive.  Others are building blocks for learning bigger lessons in life.  The following don't necessarily fall into these categories.  Regardless, these are some of the dumbest, weirdest things I've participated in during my 32 years on Earth:

1.  I voluntarily attended a cat show in Cincinnati, OH.  Let me start out by saying, though, that the friends I went with were fantastic and we actually had a fun day!  But, putting that aside, there are a number of bad choices encompassed in this single event.  First, I went to Cincinnati.  Let's just say it's not the Mecca of excitement, entertainment, or cleanliness.  Plus, it's in Ohio.  And I haven't even factored in the cat portion of this adventure.  Now, let me be clear... I don't hate cats.  I don't particularly enjoy them on any level, but I don't dislike them and I'd never want anything bad to happen to one.  But, I'd never own one as a pet.  So.... I drove from Canton  to Cedarville, OH.  Then we proceeded to travel INTO Cincinnati, park, and walk to the Expo Center to participate in a cat showing event.  The rest of the day is pretty fuzzy (he he... see what I did there?)

2.  Once upon a dark evening, a long time ago, in a faraway land (Canton, OH), there was a girl.  Guess what her name was?  Heather.  I hope you haven't heard this one before... anyway, this girl drank an immense amount of liquid throughout the course of one day.  She then took a very large sleeping pill.  In the middle of the night, the liquid and the pill decided to combine into the perfect storm and interact in such a manner that basically ruined the rest of the night.  Long story made short.... I woke up (sort-of) and had to pee something equivalent to the force of Niagara Falls.  I stumbled to the bathroom (remember that very large sleeping pill?)  And, guess who didn't check to see if the actual toilet lid was up?  Lid folks, not toilet seat.  Well, that would be me.  So... basically, in case you were wondering, once you sit on TOP of a toilet lid and start peeing... and you're in a sleep-induced incoherent state, there's no way that flow is stopping.  And, what do you end up with boys and girls???  A really large puddle of urine surrounding the toilet on the floor, carpet, etc.  Yep, that was certainly one of the highlights of my adult life. 

3.  The following songs that are currently on my iPod may actually cause some of you to un-friend me on Facebook and casually stare in the opposite direction if you should happen to see me in public:

As Long As You Love Me - Justin Bieber
California Gurls - Katy Perry
Faded - Soul Decision
Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche) - 98 Degrees
Leavin' - Jesse McCartney
London Bridge - Fergie
Science Fiction Double Feature - The Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack
Spanish Stroll - Mink Deville
She Don't Use Jelly - The Flaming Lips
Heaven - Bryan Adams
Puttin' on the Ritz - Taco

I'm currently going through the 12-step program.  I'm past denial, currently into the "admitting I have a problem" stage.  Hello, my name is Heather, and I have made some poor life choices where music is concerned.  Currently seeking a sponsor to check in on me once a week regarding my progress.

4.  I bought a Chevy Cobalt.  I'm pretty sure I don't need to explain this any further.  Moving along...

5.  I once ran out of dishwasher detergent.  Being the genius that I am, I thought, "hey!  I have this Dawn dish soap.  I mean, it's to CLEAN dishes."  So.... yeah.  I opened the rotting, decaying dishwasher and poured a crap load of liquid dish soap in.  The result:  Approximately 20 minutes later the entire kitchen and part of the dining room was totally flooded.  I mean, there was A LOT of water.  And bubbles.  So many bubbles.  The silver lining?  My kitchen floor had never been cleaner. 

6.  Okay, this one is certainly something I'm not proud of... I don't recommend doing this on any level.  But, the outcome (now) was humorous.  So, about 2 years ago I had bronchitis.  And a migraine.  So, to knock out all of the symptoms at once, I took some "liquid gold" cough syrup, a migraine pill, and then my usual daily dose of Zoloft... also... bad, bad choice here - a couple of Unisom.  One would think that in approximately four minutes flat I would have been out cold for the next twelve hours.  But, for some reason, I was still awake.  When I say "awake," I'm using this term very loosely.  Sure, my eyes were open and I was breathing and whatnot... I had some mobility, but my decision making abilities were severely inhibited.  In that state of mind, of course the most logical course of action would be to ask my husband to take  me to Target.  I had some serious shopping to do.  Important things to buy.  I barely remember putting a coat on and getting in the car and I vaguely recall walking around Target.  I was definitely in a haze.  All I know is that the next day, after the medication cocktail had worn off, I checked out my amazing Target purchase.  Needless to say, I was slightly surprised.  I had managed to spend approximately $78 on the following items:  three (3) pair, in various bright colors, of little girls leggings - size extra small; $18 eyeliner - from TARGET, people!  If I'm getting $18 liner, I had better be at Sephora.  Other items making it to the roster were toilet paper, a horrible red shade of lip gloss, 3 greeting cards (I don't think it was any one's birthday), and  some tissue paper.  I sheepishly went back into Target and returned the entire mess of a purchase.   

The stories that I could share are numerous.  But, I'm going to stop for now because I realize I'm beginning to sound like I have a serious love affair with night time cold, cough, and sleep-inducing remedies.  I promise y'all, I'm NOT that bad anymore.  Really.  I don't need an intervention. 

So, feel free to share some of your fondest regret-filled moments with me and help increase my self esteem.

Love ya!!!!!