42 Nuggets of Weirdness

I realize that I'm a pretty open book when it comes to... well... pretty much everything.  But, I'm sure there HAS to be a few things you didn't know about me.  Why 42 you ask?  Well, why not?  Also, because I can't think of any more than 42.   

1.  I like green.  Specifically mint green.

2.  Favorite ice cream flavor of all time:  Butter Pecan

3.  My first pet was a hamster.  Her name was Minnie.  My friend Rachel later confessed to me that she accidentally killed Minnie.  Secretly, I wasn't sad.  Minnie was a vicious biter.

4.  I'm obsessed with nail polish.  Seriously... 

5.  The thing I'm most self-conscious about when it comes to my body is my under arm flab.  Seriously, you could fly to Japan and back on my arm fat if the wind is blowing.  

UGH.  Any ideas to get rid of this ASAP are totally welcome.

6.  We use Poo-pourri at our office at work.  Do you KNOW about this stuff???

Well, if you don't, you need to become best friends with it and set up a dinner date because it is A-Mazing.  Seriously.  It's like you NEVER pooped.  

7.  After meeting my future brother-in-law (the one that isn't Tom), his first impression of me was that 

"I looked like one of those girls that dates black guys."  

Welcome to the family???  

8.  #1 Pet Peeve:  chipped nail polish.  Please refer to #4 above.  

9.  I've seriously only thought of eight things up to this point?  Crap.  I know; this doesn't count.  

So, how about this?  OH - interesting tidbit - I can type 100 wpm with 98% accuracy.  

It's okay to be jealous of my skills.

10.  I don't eat ANY condiments... well, other than barbecue sauce.  

And not just any barbecue sauce... anything that isn't mustard or vinegar based.  

I despise mustard.  And vinegar.  And ketchup, relish, mayo, almost all salad dressings... 

11.  To compensate for my hate of all things condiment, I really, really, really, really love cheese.  

So, so much.  

12.  My dog eats EOS lip balm eggs on a semi-regular basis.  For real, it's like Boxer crack.  

OPEN candy bar sitting on the floor next to an EOS egg... 

EOS wins every single time.

13.  It is not fun to clean up "the next day" after the dog eats an EOS lip balm egg.

14.  My hair has been basically every "normal" color imaginable... and some not-so-ordinary colors as well.  Blond?  check.  Black?  Currently (do NOT refer to #7).  Brown?  Grows that way out of my head naturally.  I think.  Red?  Yep.  Various highlights?  You bet.  Pink?  It's happened. Also orange-ish and green-ish, but not on purpose. 

15.  13 piercings and 3 tattoos.  For now...

16.  I despise feet.  So much.  I don't even like to talk about them.  I'm done with #16.  Yuck.

17.  I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

18.  I only really want ONE child.  That'll do.

19.  I pretty much have a four-way tie for favorite movie(s) of all-time:  

The Sound of Music

(did you hear a re-make is happening???  I know; you haven't...)

French Kiss

While You Were Sleeping

Dumb and Dumber

Judge away.

Because you won't look it up...

20.  Next tattoo:  A bleeding heart on my right shoulder.  Not like a 

bleeding HEART.  The plant.  Look it up; they're neato.

21.  Yes, I AM currently writing TWO books!  

22.  Speaking of books, my favorite book ever is The Magician's Nephew.  Yep, I like it even better than The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

23.  My college nickname is BW.  What does it stand for?  Butt wipe.  True story.  

I have a shirt to prove it.

24.  I'm really bad at doing laundry for a number of reasons.  I don't ever separate colors, I tend to leave wet clothes in the machine for days at a time, and I hate to iron... like, we don't even OWN an iron or ironing board any longer.  Yep.

25.  This one is blatantly obvious if you've known me for three seconds.... I love Hello Kitty.  Don't believe me?  Um, just check my Facebook and Instagram profiles. 

26.  If I ever came "face to face" with a snake I would soil myself... without a doubt.

27.  I have this really annoying nervous habit of biting the inside of my cheeks.  I wish I could stop.  It's a yucky habit.

28.  When I was two-weeks old my mother "accidentally" threw me away.  

I'm completely not joking about any of this.  

Literally, I somehow flung my infant body over her shoulder and into the waste basket - head first.  

Explains A LOT.

29.  I have three nephews and one niece.  They're all awesome.  Probably because I'm their aunt.  

30.  I have never had a cavity.  EVER!  No fillings, no crowns.  

The most traumatic dental-related incident was having my wisdom teeth out in college.  

Go me. 

31.  Birds.  Don't like them.  Babies are sometimes cute, but then they grow up and get all squawky and beaky and territorial.  No thank you.  

Specific bird hate:  MOCKINGBIRDS.  Evil, evil spawns of THE DEVIL.  

I'm pretty sure you would feel the same way if you had been attacked on numerous occasions.  

Emus are really horrible, too.  Ick.  

32.  Worst job ever?  Another tie.  

a) Preschool teacher that had to clean up two-year-old poop and pee ALL DAY LONG 

b) Working at a cheese and fruit market.  

I cannot, to this day, even stomach to look at Feta cheese.  

Barf, barf, barf, barf, barf.

33.  I had this little stuffed pink cat that I use to carry around with me everywhere and sing, 

"Heather's got a little kitty... little kitty... little kitty."  

I stopped carrying it around last week.  KIDDING.

But seriously, my BFF Bobbie and I use to go up to my attic and tie a really long string around this STUFFED cat's neck.  Then, we'd call for my grandpa to come up to the attic.  The moment he opened the door to come up the steps we would drop the cat from the string onto his head and try to knock off his hat.  I have no idea why this was fun.

34.  One time, when I was three, I was getting ready to take a bath.  My aunt and cousins stopped over and my mom left me in the bathroom so she could answer the door.  How did I greet my family?  Well, 

a) I was totally naked, and 

b) I thought it would be a warm welcome to squat in front of the TV, right there in the living room, and pee.  I've always been a really classy chick.

35.  I'm a two o'clock in the afternoon type person.  Mornings:  No.  Nights:  Worse.

36.  I've had a total of three surgeries in my life.  Wisdom teeth and two surgeries to reconstruct my nose.  Not out of vanity, folks (although I did get an amazing nose out of the ordeal)....

I broke it in a car accident when I was 16.  

37.  I played the flute from 4th grade until 9th grade.  Not yazz flute.  Just regular flute.  

38.  My favorite way to eat grapes?  Frozen. 

39.  I know more than any individual human being should know when it comes to Saved By The Bell trivia.  It's true.  Oh, you wanted to know:

The name of Samuel "Screech" Powers' girlfriend?  

Answer:  Violet Bickerstaff... played by Tori Spelling.  

And Zack's crush the summer that they worked at The Malibu Sands Beach Club?  

Answer:  That was Stacey Carosi... played by Leah Remini.  

Zack's band?  Answer:  The Zack Attack.  

What does the "A.C." stand for in A.C. Slater?  Answer:  Albert Clifford.  

You're welcome.

40. I tend to have extremely vivid dreams and I almost always remember them.  

In specific detail.  A recent dream?  

Well, let's just say my parents owned a huge estate with a large barn in the back that had several bedrooms and bathrooms.  AND The Backstreet Boys ==============>

decided to stay at the estate and take a bit of a rest from the tour bus.  I had to wait to use the bathroom because the Boys were showering, so while I waited, I ate a Grouper salad.

I seriously don't know what's wrong with me, guys (Is my Ohio showing??). 

41.  When I was little, my mom always use to recite the following poem to me:

"There was a little girl, who had a little curl,

In the middle of her forehead.

And when she was good, she was very, very good,

But when she was bad, she was horrid."

That should give you a pretty clear picture of me at age 5.

42.   I really love this picture:

                 

Do you want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?

"Guys... do you want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?"  

Well, let me tell you from personal experience.  I've heard A LOT... and I mean A LOT of annoying sounds in my lifetime.  Some I can't mention.  Some are completely wrong (while hilarious), most are disgustingly hysterical bodily functions... because I'm perpetually a 12 year old tween boy mentally.  But, by far, the most annoying sound I've encountered in recent experience occurred between the hours of 12:00 pm and 6:30 am this morning.  Crickets.  Guess what I found out last night?  I freakin' hate crickets.  I would use stronger language... but Jesus wouldn't approve.  They're smarter than we usually give them credit for... and they can move at lightning speed with cat-like reflexes.  

Ponder this:  We live in a two-story condo.  Our master bedroom and bathroom is UPSTAIRS in the back portion of the house.  One would THINK that if an insect, such as a cricket, were to enter a premises, it would enter on the ground floor level. But NO, not our forward-thinking beastly little intruder.

He thought it would be fun to do a number of things to ruin my night:  1)  My husband INSISTED that Mr. Cricket was outside... I knew from that gut instinct inside... calling to me.  I felt like Caesar Milan.  Except for insects. "Heather Hogsed. Cricket Whisperer." I could feel his presence.  So, I searched. And I searched.  And I searched.  I tried earplugs.  I tore cabinet doors open.  I turned on all the lights.  I looked behind the toilets.  I checked under the bed.  Looked in the closet.  Checked under the dressers.  I tried drowning his horrendously loud and obnoxious "singing" with Family Guy reruns.  Sure, it was a fun treat to watch Peter and Meg become the cool kids at the high school dance... but, not necessarily what I had planned for 3:00 am.  3:00 am - for me - is a special time during which I like to pass out and drool in a beautifully unconscious state.  To me, that is sheer bless.  Last night was nothing short of sheer torture. Six and a half hours of ear-bleeding torture.

It's finally 6:30 am.... time to get up, get moving, and get ready for this day that's proving to be extremely long already due to serious lack of sleep.  I go to the other bathroom and begin getting ready.  I hear pounding from the first floor.  Todd triumphantly walks up the steps.... he's KILLED the suspect!  YES!  But, something told me that wasn't the end of the story.  Because... I KNEW... I KNEW  that the true instigator was upstairs, in our master bathroom.  And.... guess who was right????  THIS GIRL!  Points to me.  As Todd was getting in the shower, he found Prime Suspect No. 1 - and he was a big sucker.  Happily Sadly, he drowned and is now being cradled in the arms of Jesus.  But, I can look forward to one thing for certain tonight.... a solid 10 hours of pure, blissful, drool-filled sleep.

I feel slightly smug... I mean, it's not often that I'm 100% right.  But this time - PURE VICTORY for ME.  It's a feeling of magic and wonderment.  I may as well be riding through Far Far Away on the back of a unicorn eating Starburst Jellybeans.  That's how amazing I'm feeling about being right. 

TRULY, the most annoying sound in the world goes to:

Just imagine this at 10,000,000,000 decibels, like, basically right inside your ear drum.  

Laughter is the best medicine. Except for treating diarrhea.

Who hasn't posted anything on her blog in four months???  THIS GIRL.  If there's one thing you can count on from me, it's my highly predictable procrastination.  

One thing I've learned over the years is that you just HAVE to laugh at yourself.  Seriously.  Aside from the fact that I'm one of the funniest people you'll ever meet (*cough, cough*), I tend to put myself in enough situations that would be completely embarrassing to the "normal" individual... but, we've already established that I'm not normal.  Like, not even a little bit.  So, instead of burying my head in the sand when I do something stupid, I figure I may as well share my misfortunes with the entire world.  Why not, right?

With that said, here's something fun that happened last month:

I'm not shy when it comes to bodily functions, and I'm a little too open with information, especially when it comes to my closest friends.... and co-workers.... and complete strangers.... 

So, anyway... Let's backtrack a bit.  I've been trying to eat healthier by incorporating a ton of raw fruits and veggies, as well as the always needed extra dose (or 3) of fiber, into my daily diet.  Suffice it to say, this new "diet" tends to make me a little more gassy than normal.  And I'm not just talking about the occasional fart here and there.  

This product needs better marketing.

Basically, it's a gift from God that I've been given an office at work that I can tightly secure the door shut so that I can feel free to let loose when the need arises.  This way, there are no surprises.  Nothing worse than working in a cube where someone can sneak up behind you at any given time, just after you've let loose a potentially deadly cry from an imprisoned turd and CLEARLY the only person that could have produced that is you.  I keep a variety of scented candles on hand as well... because what doesn't smell better than iced raspberry sangria scented farts?  

Okay... I'm making this story way too long.  So, I'm on Google chat with my BFF and I happen to message her to simply to let her know that on that particular day I had the worst gas imaginable.  Small children would have cried.  It was bad.  This is pretty typical of my daily conversations with friends.  So... I proceed to provide her with this juicy bit of information.  About 10 minutes went by... no reply.  Honestly, I was a little hurt.  I wanted her to share the experience with me.  I proceeded to go and make some copies to get my mind off the situation at hand; when I returned, my heart jumped with excitement as she had finally responded!  I was way too excited about clicking on the orange blinking box... I couldn't wait to provide her with the added details I knew she was dying to hear.  INSTEAD.... I find out that my message was timed so perfectly that it popped up just as the IT guy at work was at her computer fixing an issue.  FAIL.  I'm sure he wanted to know that this chick's super weird friend was gassing it up across town.  

The typical person may have decided it was time to move to a new city and create a brand new identity as a cat hoarder, but not me... I decided to share the whole chat conversation with anyone and everyone that would listen.  I have to say, I turned a potentially detrimental situation into one of sheer joy.  I was proud.  How sick is that?

HAPPY FRIDAY!  Do something fun this weekend and tell me about it, k?